My Wall Of Positive Thinking

I have a tendency of easily getting sucked into being and feeling negative, be it in my own delusion or with the help of others.  I had to find ways to fight off my warped desires to slide down those slippery slopes of depression.  I found that if I caught it early enough it would take something simple to kick me in my ass, open my eyes and see things clearly so I would be able to fight the urge.

Simple things like music (huge help), friends, family, my dog, journaling and my Wall Of Positive Thinking.

On that wall are music lyrics, funny sayings, inspirational sayings, sayings that just plain tell me NOT to do something, and pictures that make me smile.  A little glance in that direction or me standing there staring, searching for the right words to catch my eye and snap me out of it….Heres a few pictures…

Perfect Is Boring

In the end that is all you need.

Tomorrow may rain so I’ll follow the sun

Excerpt From “Back Into The Sunshine”

Excerpt From “Back Into The Sunshine”.

Excerpt From “Back Into The Sunshine”

“To say I hated myself is actually a severe understatement.  My lack of self-confidence was cluttered on my face.  I walked with my head down with every stride so I didn’t have to look anyone in the eye, as if I wasn’t worthy of their gaze.   There were times I couldn’t even look at myself and see my own reflection.  During those days, if no one else was home, I would hang towels or sheets on anything that had a reflection so I couldn’t see this face because I would tear myself up.  I would speak such harsh words to myself and belittle everything about me. The way I felt was so unbearable at times.  When you dislike yourself so deeply, you don’t just hate the way you look.  You hate every freckle, every laugh line, every centimeter of your lips and every pound of flesh on your body. Naturally, I didn’t want to deal with it and feel that way, so an easy fix were those towels to shield me from reality. Then I mastered the whole going to the bathroom with my eyes closed scenario.  You see, there was a huge mirror that took up most of the wall space in my sister Sadie’s bathroom where I was living at that time, which hindered me when I had to, you know, use it.  You would think the mirror wouldn’t be that bad, but add in the fact that the wallpaper had a design on it and the accent marks on the paper were reflective and you could see yourself in them, plus the knobs to the doors were, too.  It felt like I was surrounded by someone I hated who was trying to attack me.  It was a cocoon of animosity that would embrace me every time I went in there feeling down, so I would just close my eyes and go. Sounds ridiculous, but it worked for me.  That is how I coped with most things.  Finding ways to disguise the hurt and get through the days.  Put Band Aids over the wounds and keep going.

  The way I felt for my own psyche was devastating. I was my own murderer.  Actually I’m more like my own serial killer because I’ve eliminated myself slowly and methodically over and over again, each time leaving myself weaker and more defenseless.”

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

“The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”, but what if it doesn’t? I’m starting to think Annie was on crack.  

  Yes, most of the time I can snap out of a funk.  Then there are the times that I find it tough to shake off the funk.  Being sucked in and overtaken by the shadows for days upon days wondering when they will float away.  

 I miss the beauty of the sun rays and I long for the warmth to touch me again.  One of these days it will, hopefully it’s tomorrow, in which I will retract my statement about Annie.

Dark Shadows

Depression has always been a massive thorn in my side, a constant shadow of darkness chasing me as I try and get through the days. It lurks over my shoulder waiting for the opportunity to pounce on my, sometimes, weak mind.  It doesn’t take much for the opportunity to appear.  The slightest most minute of incidents happen and I’m done.  Swallowed up by, my old friend, the dark shadow.  I succumb very easily, unfortunately.

Even the slightest change in routine can get to me.  I know I need them, but I think I rely on them to much.  If it’s a little off or if the dynamics of the people within the routines are different, it sends me on a whirlwind mentally.  It freaks me out.  My anxiety is heightened, my body aches, the tension within is explosive and I shut down completely.  Why? I have no idea.  Do I want to change it? Yes. Do I want life to be ridden of schedules and time?  No. Well, maybe a little because I definitely have a hard time when i don’t have routines. Do I want to be a bitch to everyone around me?  No. Do I know how to fix it?  No fucking idea.   These feelings are probably the top reason in why I’m starting to think that meds aren’t such a bad idea.

My question is, are the dark shadows going to be following me around all my life?  Is it always going to be so easy for it to overtake me and whisk me away to the land of loneliness?  I’m not much of a church goer, but I know you are up there.  So Lord, can you help me out on this one?

It’s Me, Prudence

 I struggled my whole life with the pain of being engulfed by depression that was enhanced by self mutilation and enticed by self hatred.  Through a journey of dissecting myself and my hurt I learned that writing has been a way to vent my feelings and frustrations.  This blog will be used as a platform to spill the hate and love through my words.  I will have good days and I will have bad ones, but its the days that I am aware that I have the capabilities and strength to dissolve the ways that I feel that I am most proud of. 

  So here it goes my rants, my pleas, my cheers, my fears, but most of all, my words.

                                        – Prudence