Are Dreams Just Dreams

Or do they mean something?

I have been thinking alot about my dog Lucky lately.  Her image pops into my head all the time and it brings me great comfort in knowing that her memories haven’t faded even the slightest.  I can still feel her presence or what I believe is her anyway.  Lately, when my head hits the pillow at night though, her image enters my mind and it brings along sadness.  I miss her, I truly do.  I want her back and I know that will never happen, but it doesn’t stop my heart from wanting it.

Last night, I had a dream that I was standing where the water begins on the beach watching her play in the waves and after a while I joined her.  We swam and played and then I woke up….

Was that just a dream of my WANTS or did she enter my dreams so she could tell me that she is alright and having a blast…..

Throwing In The Towel

I have stated, yelled, wrote, cried my feelings and opinion and yet it has been ignored once again.  This is the last time though.  The last time that I will plead with a certain someone to stop doing what they do to me.  Stop forcing me to feel a certain way or put me in a position that is filled with me being uncomfortable.  Will it hurt their feelings?  Probably, but I’m throwing in the towel.

The Wall

There’s a wall that I keep banging my head on.  It’s appearance is a bit disastrous and unappealing because there are gaping holes throughout it where my head has bashed it in, tearing it to shreds.

I bang it because I make myself angry;

Angry at the things that I say.  Some things fly out of my mouth and I regret them seconds later.  I know some have hurt feelings and I don’t mean to nor do I want to.  I much rather hold it in and let it hurt me.  There are also, things I need to say that I keep inside, letting it fester, making me boil.

Angry at the things that I do.  I do the same things over and over again, a repetitive cycle of a detrimental mess.  Some things I look back on and just shake my head in disbelief that I have done them, wondering when the memories with dissipate.

Angry with the way that I feel.  My feelings are my enemy, most of the time. They chase and suffocate me.  The heaviness of the fact that I have very little control over them makes me furious.

Let’s face it, my life is full of regrets; things that I have said and didn’t say, felt and didn’t feel, done or didn’t do. Perhaps, it’s the regrets that make me angry.

The wall is figurative, or course, it sits up in my head being battered, waiting for the day I can repair it.

Something Within

There is something deep within that doesn’t want me to be happy. I’ve known this for a while now and it is probably the most aggravating thing that I can’t get rid of it. It’s like a demon inside. Not that I am possessed or anything (Hey, at least a priest of some sort could help them out.), but it is like you try to take a positive step forward and the little devil in there yanks you back.
I can try to think positively, but he pushes the negative to the top of the list and he makes it so bold and intense that it is all I see.  I can be happy and smiley one second and then he goes into attack mood and conquers me within and wins the struggle.  He is really good at his job. I have to give credit where credit is due, but I wish he didn’t exist.

I can’t remember a time when he didn’t. It has always been this way with a constant battle going on inside my head. Even when it looks like I am just sitting there doing and saying nothing, the inside of my mind is a battlefield with casualties amongst the debris of my thoughts.

I wonder if I will be able to get rid of him or is he a permanent resident of Casa De Prudence.

The First And Final Thing

“The first and final thing you have to do in this world is to last it and not be smashed by it.”
― Ernest Hemingway

It is hard not to become a flattened pile of mush by the intensity of life, to dodge the negative emotional outbursts coming from within and truly survive. “One step at a time” I constantly tell myself and it echos throughout my body, making it so I can breathe and get through each day.

Is going through the days with your eyes closed in fear that something will set you back, really “living life”? If “living” means enjoying oneself to life’s fullest extent, like vacations, partying, etc., then NO. However, I believe, within the scope of mental health it is. When you have come so close to committing suicide or are completely devoured by sadness, opening your eyes each day, taking a breath in, your heart still beating, is living life

Where it is not always fun tip-toeing your way through, it is your life and you have to last in it, it’s the first and final thing you have to do. Right now, my eyes are crammed tightly shut, I’m reaching out into the darkness of life feeling my way through, BUT I’m not smashed by it.