Something Within

There is something deep within that doesn’t want me to be happy. I’ve known this for a while now and it is probably the most aggravating thing that I can’t get rid of it. It’s like a demon inside. Not that I am possessed or anything (Hey, at least a priest of some sort could help them out.), but it is like you try to take a positive step forward and the little devil in there yanks you back.
I can try to think positively, but he pushes the negative to the top of the list and he makes it so bold and intense that it is all I see.  I can be happy and smiley one second and then he goes into attack mood and conquers me within and wins the struggle.  He is really good at his job. I have to give credit where credit is due, but I wish he didn’t exist.

I can’t remember a time when he didn’t. It has always been this way with a constant battle going on inside my head. Even when it looks like I am just sitting there doing and saying nothing, the inside of my mind is a battlefield with casualties amongst the debris of my thoughts.

I wonder if I will be able to get rid of him or is he a permanent resident of Casa De Prudence.

Back Into The Sunshine

Click on link to see the Book Trailer to “Back Into The Sunshine”  http://animoto.com/play/aOd7GUFbQgwaNiN3HAkMuw

 

If you would like to purchase it is available at  http://www.amazon.com/Back-Into-The-Sunshine-ebook/dp/B0088E3SU4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1354589395&sr=8-2&keywords=back+into+the+sunshine

The First And Final Thing

“The first and final thing you have to do in this world is to last it and not be smashed by it.”
― Ernest Hemingway

It is hard not to become a flattened pile of mush by the intensity of life, to dodge the negative emotional outbursts coming from within and truly survive. “One step at a time” I constantly tell myself and it echos throughout my body, making it so I can breathe and get through each day.

Is going through the days with your eyes closed in fear that something will set you back, really “living life”? If “living” means enjoying oneself to life’s fullest extent, like vacations, partying, etc., then NO. However, I believe, within the scope of mental health it is. When you have come so close to committing suicide or are completely devoured by sadness, opening your eyes each day, taking a breath in, your heart still beating, is living life

Where it is not always fun tip-toeing your way through, it is your life and you have to last in it, it’s the first and final thing you have to do. Right now, my eyes are crammed tightly shut, I’m reaching out into the darkness of life feeling my way through, BUT I’m not smashed by it.

Let Your Feelings Flow Out

One thing I know for sure I have a problem with is speaking.  Not only do I have a hard time getting the words out, be it I can’t find the words or they are too jumbled up in my mind to release them, but sometimes I just don’t feel like it.  During those times, though, are the words that so desperately need to exit my brain due to their power. 

When I’m sad or depressed very seldom do my feelings get verbalized and pushed out.  Even if I do let some out it is never to the extent that I am feeling.  When I’m angry, they hardly ever come out.  I, like alot of people, have my breaking point and once that is hit it can turn ugly, but until that point is reached the anger, tension and hate is sitting within my body stewing and swirling around. 

Even the good times are held within.  When I’m happy, I don’t shout it from the roof tops.  When I love someone it is rarely said aloud, but in my heart it is profound.

Don’t get me wrong, I do speak easily when someone pisses me off or bugs me.  That comes naturally to me.  I guess, my biggest flaw within myself  and the thing that I do to myself that does the most damage is not speaking my feelings. 

So, my advice to everyone, everywhere is to voice your feelings.  Voice your hate (within reason, of course.).  Voice your love.   Voice your depression.  Voice your opinions.  Let the feelings flow out.  It’s worth it in the end. 

Reading, Writing and a Free Book

Isn’t that the truth! I love to read even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. When my mind is feeling troubled there are three things that let me escape. One, my own dreamland, a world where my aspirations and hopes are my reality. Two, music. I can not deny the ability music has to erase things from my mind, and three, reading and writing so I can submerge myself into someone else’s life and escape from my own.

I read mostly non-fiction, I like facts and things that can be proven. Normally it is something horrible that has happened in our history or a biography about a person that something horrible happened to. It’s sinister and disgusting, but that’s what gutter my mind happens to be in. I did, however pick up the Harry Potter books after I forfeited my fight against the mainstream and watched the movies and I loved them! I truly felt that I was inside Hogwarts hanging with my homies, Harry, Ron and Hermione.

I have the worst reading habits, though Typically, I begin reading one non-fiction book, but as I get further into it I feel the need for reference material so I get another one. I believe at one point I was reading about Queen Elizabeth and I had 3 books going at the same time. Plus, if something or someone I don’t know jumps out at me, Google comes into play. So, I sit there and cross-reference all the material, statistics or pictures, from the internet and the books I have lying in front of me. One thing will lead into another. Say if the Queen Elizabeth book mentioned some party the Queen’s dad, King VI, threw in the gardens at Buckingham Palace, I would have to Google the party itself for any pictures which would then take me to the layout of the palace, then I would wonder what part was bombed in WW2, so I would start Googling to find out, but that would send me down the WW2 path, all of a sudden I’m reading about Hitler’s disgusting life. It takes me forever and it’s a headache. This will go on and on until I have had enough, then I can’t seem to pick up a book for the life of me for a while.

When it comes to writing, I have always had stories swirling around my head, but hesitated putting them down on paper. I finally convinced myself, after 31 years, that it doesn’t matter if other people like it or not, it is all about how I feel doing it. So, I have a Fiction book in the works, but unfortunately I write the same way I read…..

I have already written a Non-fiction book that is about my struggles through depression, self-mutilation and suicidal ideation. It was incredibly hard to go through the writing process because you pretty much have to relive everything. I took excerpts from my journals that I was writing in while going through it all. I can honestly say that I am proud of the fact that I wrote and let some of the hurt seep out.

The book is called “Back into the Sunshine” and it is available for a FREE (Come on, who doesn’t like free!) download at Amazon.com today through Sunday.

For a Free download, click on the link. http://www.amazon.com/Back-Into-The-Sunshine-ebook/dp/B0088E3SU4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1351288778&sr=8-2&keywords=back+into+the+sunshine

In My Head

For someone who has a tendency to dislike herself I do like to get stuck in my head. It’s the only thing that I’ve known, I’m comfortable with it, it’s like my home. Granted it’s a home that is full of domestic violence, battering, and attempted murder on myself, but it’s my home nonetheless. When my thoughts are detrimental it is not a good idea to stay locked away in my head. The more I stay the more intense the thoughts become and the deeper I sink into depression.

The good thing about being in my head is that I can escape into my own dreamland if need be. I have often said that I have no imagination, but that’s kind of a lie because my dreamland is pretty awesome. In them I would be unrecognizable to people that know me, happy, carefree, the anxiety is gone and I have no qualms about anything. I begin my journey into them to pull myself out of a mood or to get my mind to slow down a bit when it is racing because I want it to last as long as possible. They don’t always come when I ask them too and it is not always easy to make them appear, but when they do it is a sense of relief. Now, if I could only get them down on paper my book will be finished……

I’m an introvert, I will always have to deal with what goes on in my noggin, I just have to figure out how to make my dreamland reality and how to flip the negative thinking switch to “Off”.